Brenda Drake is holding a 1st line Blogfest competition, which is not only wonderful because it encourages critiques on your first line, but it's also a competition and Weronica Janczuk is giving away prizes! 1st place -- a critique of the first 50 pages + query 2nd place -- a critique of the first 25 pages + query 3rd place -- a critique of the query How awesome is that? If you haven't entered, don't worry there's still time! Sign up here and on Feb 7 and 8 post your first line, and go crit lots of other first lines. On Feb 9 post your revised first line one the comments post here.  And now, for my entry! Name: JJ Title: Phoenix's Ashes Genre: YA Steampunk-Fantasy 1st line: Mira's dress swirled around her feet as she glided across the frozen lake, leaving trails of shimmering grooves on the ice. Revision time! Some key comments were:
The whole paragraph: Mira's dress swirled around her feet as she glided across the frozen lake, her skates leaving behind a shimmering trail of grooves. I stood frozen, staring at her like the village idiot. It wasn't until a lump of snow fell off a branch overhead that I realised I'd forgotten to breathe. Even my hands shook, and even though my fingers had a blue tinge, it wasn’t from the cold. Mira Willow, who’d never so much as glanced my way before, was here to see me. Comments08/02/2011 2:30am
I love the imagery. Could inject some tension... or not. 08/02/2011 2:43am
A great visual to open on. I think you'd be safe taking out the "glided across the frozen lake" and have the image remain just as strong and magical while tightening the prose. 08/02/2011 7:34am
Great sentence. This whole blogfest, I've been requiring suggestions, but this hardly needs change. My only question regards the "shimmering grooves." I'm thinking this means there is a light layer of snow on the ice, and the swirling dress is sort of drawing in the layer. But it's a long shot to try to say that as you have. You need to be able to write it rather than have me guess at it. Reason being "grooves" is a word implied usually by something marking something else, usually cutting into it. The dress makes patterns, but it doesn't make grooves. Understand? Otherwise, thanks for sharing. JWP 08/02/2011 7:53am
Nicely sets the scene, but there is no hint of conflict, and conflict propels the story. There is no tension to motivate me to read on. 08/02/2011 2:05pm
I love the gentle sentence and the scene it brings to mind. After reading what Margo wrote, however, you accomplish the same thing if you put a period after lake and don't repeat mention of the ice. or not. ;) good luck to you!! Corinne 08/02/2011 5:11pm
What a pretty first line! You don't see many that are as graceful as this. It really sets up the tone for the book. Well done! 09/02/2011 7:14am
Nice lyrical opening, but you might want to consider a more precise verb than "glided" if Mira is actually skating. Your comment will be posted after it is approved. Leave a Reply | ABOUTI'm JJ and I write MG and YA fantasy. For more about me, try here.
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